


now don't you understand? (I'm never changing who I am)

by Laeana



Series: built our house on glory (2020 podium) [12]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: 5+1 Things, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Celebrations, Declarations Of Love, Established Relationship, M/M, Marriage, Misunderstandings, Reconciliation, Sweet, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:07:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27336154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana
Summary: When Lewis and Sebastian have a quarrel, Sebastian tries to reach his boyfriend the whole weekend.Or the five times someone knew about them plus the one time they didn't care.(Or the five times Sebastian tried to make up plus the one time he didn’t need to.)
Relationships: Lewis Hamilton/Sebastian Vettel
Series: built our house on glory (2020 podium) [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1833505
Comments: 2
Kudos: 39





	now don't you understand? (I'm never changing who I am)

①

* * *

Lewis  
  
Lewis  
  
Lewis please answer  
  
You know it wasn’t meant like this  
  
We should talk  
  


Sebastian stares at the notification. Left on read. Seriously. Lewis has his bitchy moment and it seems like it’s one of them.

And it’s not even like he could reproach him anything at all.

He promised after all. He promised way too much and everything takes so freaking long to happen. It’s slow, so slow.

He’s not yet finished and Lewis thought he lied to him all this time.

That’s not true.

He would never dare to cause him such harm. He loves him from the bottom of his heart and it’s still crazy how after all these years, his feelings never changed at all. He yearned for him during years and the amazing thing was that it was reciproquated. 

He sighs and Charles offers him a curious look. Not now, he doesn’t want to talk about it or to answer any questions.

“What is happening ?” the Monegasque asks and he resists the urge of rolling his eyes “I never saw you so upset … while looking at your phone I mean. Is there anything wrong ?’

Sebastian hesitates a moment. Because they are really close from entering the press conference and he has many ideas how to answer this. Various ideas. Maybe not the best, for sure.

“You know if anything happened between you and Lewis, you can tell me ? I …” the youngest one lowers his glance “I may not be the best but I want to help.”

He blinks. Shocked. What ? 

“Me and Lewis ?” 

“Yes ? You’re together right ?”

He lost his words too easily. He doesn’t know what to say and he wishes he had Lewis by his side because this is stunning. They have been discovered. People know about them. This secret they kept so many years-

“Charles, Seb, it’s time !”

And he apparently doesn’t have time to ask anything more to his teammate.

* * *

②

* * *

Lewis  
  
Lewis  
  
I think Charles knows about us.  
  
You told him?  
  
What ?  
  
Of course not!  
  
How did he know then?  
  
Have we been  
  
Bad at this game  
  
I don’t know, I’ll try to talk to him but  
  
I don’t want to be badmouthing but you’re talking with me once again  
  
And we really need to talk, please  
  


No answers. Getting out of a disappointing session of free practice, he really doesn’t want to start the quarrel, once again. He should have kept it quiet. 

Lewis  
  
Come on, Liebe …  
  
You need to hear me  
  
At least once  
  


“And here we go again …” he whispers to himself.

It sounds a bit sad and lonely to his own ears. Maybe pathetic. Maybe that’s what he deserves. He doesn’t know, he feels quite … empty at the moment. He doesn’t have the energy to fight towards so many.

Ferrari is already wearing out his time and his patience.

“Seb ?”

He raises his head to find Pierre, looking really cuddly, changed in a big hoodie, maybe a bit cold. After his session, he quickly changed and sat just out of the paddock, against a wall. A bit hidden from the others.

“Do you want to sit ? I mean … ground is not the most comfortable but …”

Pierre doesn’t need more to sit by his side, their shoulders barely touching but it seems far enough for the Frenchman.

“Is everything okay ?” he ends up asking, when silence settles between them.

“That’s what I should ask.”

Sebastian raises an eyebrow.

“What.” 

His mind goes blank but Pierre isn’t staring at him but at the skyline, playing with his fingers, distractedly. 

“You and Lewis.”

“Did Charles-”

The younger one shakes his head fervently.

“No. But I haven’t seen you with Lewis. And it’s a big week-end for him, I just thought his boyfriend would be spending this special event with him-”

“I’m not his boyfriend.”

It was instant and he hates himself for saying this so quickly. Just a reflex. Something that he shouldn't do by now. Especially when they parted but … he can’t forget it. He stands up.

“You shouldn’t worry about this, Pierre. Focus on the race, everything is alright.”

He quickly leaves.

* * *

③

* * *

Lewis  
  
And Pierre apparently.  
  
Oh, I know that  
  
What ?  
  
He asked me  
  
And you just told him?  
  


Maybe Lewis doesn’t know what to answer, maybe it was just a secret weighing too much on both of them.

Lewis  
  
Why do we keep going like this ?  
  
I don’t know, Seb, I just  
  
I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do.  
  
I have been open to so many topics lately  
  
Is it okay for us to  
  
I don't know  
  
I’m not asking for anything, love  
  
I’m just waiting  
  
I’m sorry  
  
There’s nothing to be sorry of, you know it  
  
I love you for what you are, I love you  
  
Therefore, I would never force you to do anything you wouldn’t want to do  
  
Love you too, Seb  
  
Why do you keep being stubborn ?  
  
I just need time for myself, please  
  
yeah I know  
  


“I know it a bit too well.” 

Sebastian looks tenderly at a picture. The few pictures saved on his phone. His now ex wife and their children. He always feels peaceful watching it. Something he did, something he promised her.

Each thing coming to an end.

And then the very next picture that makes his heart beats faster in his chest when he remembers the sunny afternoon, his sweaty palms, the expensive suit he was wearing-

“To your divorce ?” Kimi hands him a glass.

“To my divorce.” he drinks it in one go.

They shouldn’t be drinking, they haven’t even raced yet. He feels like they have been here more than once.

“What is happening with Lewis ?”

“Why does everyone keep asking that same question ?”

“Because we have eyes?” his friend answers and he sighs deeply.

His eyes wander through the room to inevitably fall on his hand. His ring finger. He bites his lips, tracing softly the curve of the gold circle.

“Tell me.”

“In clear,” he starts and Kimi seems already doubtful of his words “I messed up.”

* * *

④

* * *

Lewis  
  
are you okay?  
  
As always, Lew.  
  
Always the same  
  
I’m sorry for what is happening  
  
It will soon be over  
  
It’s not like you could do anything  
  


More cold than usual. He doesn’t know how to deal with it. Spending time without him seems to be a torture. He only has his memories with him and an empty bed. They are so close and yet so far … 

Lewis  
  
It can’t be any worse ?  
  
It could have been better.  
  
Come on, Liebe, let’s not do that  
  
It’s gonna be an important day for you  
  
And for us  
  
Tomorrow …  
  
Tomorrow.  
  
We’ll see each other tomorrow.  
  


Sebastian prefers not to answer. It’s almost one year. One year of pure, delightful joy, spending every moment with each other. The confinement was their hardest arrangement. No one had to know what they were doing but … 

They have been so classic, almost common.

Lewis is wearing a white suit and he’s wearing the black one. They kiss tenderly in front of the altar. He remembers passing his arms around his boyfriend’s - fiancé - waist to pull him a little bit closer. Not to forget this moment too quickly.

“And you didn’t invite me ?”

The cheerful voice makes him nearly jump. He frowns, discovering a smiling Aussie standing in the doorframe, advanced just enough to have a clear view on his phone’s screen.

“Could you not … do this.” 

“Sorry man, was distracted. Didn’t think I’d found you here. I was actually looking for Maxy. But quite surprised, you never told me you went that far ! Neither did Lewis. I feel betrayed, you hurt my feelings.” Daniel wipes a fake tear from the corner of his eyes.

Sebastian just shrugs. After all, he doesn’t need to pretend, Dan just knows about them. When they were teammates, him and Lewis already started a sweet and innocent flirt. Daniel connected the dots and made him drink enough to confess. Such a devil.

“So you divorced ?”

He lets himself fall on a chair, aware that they aren’t supposed to talk. He doesn’t care much for once.

“Most likely, last papers to do, last matters to arrange. About kids, we … the process has been really slow.”

“And this caused a fight between you two?”

“Misunderstandings caused the fight. I didn’t … I owe him a proper explanation but maybe it’s not the right time.”

Daniel raises an eyebrow.

“I highly doubt that but-”

“Dan ?” claims a voice from afar and it’s, probably, Max.

“Oops, sorry, gotta go. Good luck on that one mate. But I think it’ll be okay !” 

This is the last thing Daniel tells him before getting out of the room and, honestly, he isn’t sure to believe it entirely.

* * *

⑤

* * *

Lewis  
  
I don’t know what will happen today but  
  
I really believe in you  
  
And I’ll keep you in my mind  
  
Because that’s right where you should be  
  
It’s now been a year and there’s more to come for today but  
  
Happy wedding anniversary, Liebe  
  


Sebastian didn’t expect an answer. To tell the truth, he shut off his phone. It’s race week after all. It’s racing and it’s F1 and he needs focus.

But when he gets out of his car, well he doesn’t have much to say. He feels like he can’t expect much more from what is given to him. 

The comments make him clench his teeth.

It’s their birthday.

And it’s Lewis’ day today.

Maybe they can only pass after. Maybe there are things that deserve to be celebrated before. 

He is already packing up his things when there is a knock on his door. He lifts his hand, absent-mindely and is surprised when he sees Max standing there.

“Lewis has been calling you again and again.” the Dutchman says softly.

“Oh. I turned off my phone.”

“That’s what he thought so here I am.” Max shrugs before handing him a key. “I think you know where it is. Good luck.”

Max sends him a sweet smile, almost hesitant, and Sebastian knows very well that he knows about them. How ? He’s not sure. It may as well be Daniel that told him or just a random discovery and the “because we have eyes” of Kimi comes back to his mind. He doesn’t like it.

He doesn’t like it but it looks like their secret isn’t too much a secret

* * *

+①+

* * *

Lewis  
  
Seb ?  
  
I’m sorry about yesterday  
  
And the day before  
  
Can we talk please  
  
I need to talk to you  
  
I know it wasn’t a great move but I felt like  
  
We needed some time  
  
Please  
  
Sebastian?  
  


Lewis doesn’t often go by his entire name. Sebastian bites his lip, he must have been worrying him. He shouldn’t have, not on such a day.

He lowers his gaze just to glance at the key. A small and grey one. A M graved in it. He blinks and then has an idea and did Lewis privatize a whole room of his team the day he just broke the record of wins ? This makes him laugh a bit while he goes through the paddock to the Mercedes garage.

Lewis is just sitting on a table, crossed legs, going through his phone when he enters and closes the door right behind him. The face of his companion immediately lightens up.

“Seb, I’m … I’m sorry.”

He advances just enough to be in front of him, to be able to touch him. He cups his face in his hand. He can’t help looking at him and being amazed. He always loved and loves this man a bit too much.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, I told you. Today is a great day. Today is your day, my champion.” he whispers, he doesn’t need to raise his voice, there’s only the two of them in this room, before leaning in to kiss him deeply.

It’s their first kiss since days and he feels like he finally reached an oasis he’s been looking for. Lewis wraps his arms around him and he can tell he clearly missed him too.

“You’re amazing, love. So amazing. Standing on top of the world, where no one can reach you. You’re making history now and I can’t be more proud of you than right now.”

Every single of his feelings drown in the moment. Because nothing else matters. Nothing else matters than Lewis.

“I have been too far, I know. I shouldn’t have told you this, I know you would never lie to me, Seb, I was just scared … I feel so lost, this feels just too much.” 

They are standing so close, one breath away from each other. His forehead resting against the one of Lewis. Eyes lost in each other’s. A warm brown, sweet and beautiful.

“It’s okay, Lew’. You deserve it, you deserve it all. It’s what you did and no one could ever take that back. And there’s more to come, and there’s so much to come. You deserve the world, love.”

The Briton shakes his head, a big smile on his lips, a tender one. He steps forward again to kiss him. Never enough of kisses. 

Lewis is the one breaking the kiss to come to hug him, taking his hand in his. Ring finger against ring fingers. Heart beating at the unison. 

“Happy wedding anniversary, Seb. I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> okay i'm late, but you should be used to by now x)
> 
> And this was supposed to be way shorter than it is ...  
> (what a race ... messy one. can't help feeling parted. happy for Daniel's podium, you know on what I'll write next tho)  
> But I got carried away so I hope you enjoyed it !
> 
> tumblr : laeana


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